An email from my customer reads, “Good afternoon, I really need help. I’ve been married twice now. I am 3 years into my second marriage and I feel he is going to leave me. My first husband left me because I was unable to have a child for him. Before we got married I would fake telling him not to c*m inside me because I didn’t want to get pregnant before marriage but the times I would tell him that would be before my period but I would let him around my ovulation time. I desperately want to have a baby. I’ve tried multiple doctors and done a lot of tests. I had surgery to remove 7 fibroids and was told that they are now back and that there are multiple. I was placed on birth control but I stopped taking them because they made me feel bad. Can you help me, please? I don’t know what to do.”
How does one comfort a woman in this state? What do you say to her?
Longing for a child can put a brutal toll on the mind and body. Who would think that something so easy would be such a struggle? I mean my God. Infertility is devastating. The fear of never being able to have a child is scarier than death to some women, as there have been women that have committed suicide because of their inability to conceive. “In this study, they discovered that women who did not have a child after initial fertility evaluation had a greater than twofold risk of suicide.”
Why do I have to be the one that goes through this?
Why is it so easy for some women?
All of these women are having kids and some of them don’t even deserve to be mothers.
I’m praying and fasting and nothing seems to be working. I tried surgery, natural medicine, and still nothing. Why is my body working against me?
The loud bawl of the infertile woman.
As she’s on her way to work she bawls, on her lunch break she bawls, on her way home she bawls, in the shower she bawls, then gives the world a big smile as if everything is fine when in reality her heart loses its natural rhythm at the sight of a pregnant woman or a baby commercial. Just dreaming of the day she can buy diapers.
The anxiety that comes every month, just can’t help but anticipate a missed period. Then the period is 1 day late, then 2 days late, then on day 3, a little blood. Maybe it’s implantation. You hope. Then a few hours later it’s a flow and you realize, it’s just your period.
The psychological impact that comes along with infertility can change the way you view yourself. It can have a negative effect on your social life, ruin marriages and relationships, contribute to anxiety and depression, and can cause you to have low self-esteem. In some cases, it can even cause you to become violent.
But there is an old faithful saying “When there is a will, there is a way.”
You’ve become accustomed to the fluctuating highs and lows. One day you feel hopeful, the next day everything seems useless and a waste of time. Sometimes you wish you could turn the world off. But there is always a way; ALWAYS. Sometimes that way is 1 in 5000, but nevertheless, it’s still a way. And as long as you stay consistent, persevere through it all, what seems impossible will one day be right in front of you. That baby you long for, you will one day hold.
I can’t tell you how many women came to me trying to conceive for over 5/10 years, how many of those women were told that they would never have kids, and now on their second and third. They went from struggling to conceive to conceiving without even trying. And why do you think that is? Their desire was stronger than their disbelief.
The mind just needs something to believe in. Just a tiny bit of hope. Believing that it is possible is hard but necessary. Remember, what you don’t do won’t get done. You can choose to become a victim of your own thoughts, that is your own choice. One of my favorite quotes; by James Allen, “As a man thinketh, so shall he be.”
I won’t share with you how to believe it is possible, simply because I can’t. To each its own. But I will tell you that you serve yourself very little purpose when you dwell in negativity. And I tread very lightly saying this because it is very hard not to allow your thoughts to drag you there.
Overcoming the mental barriers of Infertility.
There are laws of the land, and laws of the universe. If you fail to abide by the law, then there are consequences. You can cry, pray, beg and plead all you want, no one is coming to save you. Realizing this will help you in ways you can’t imagine. You control your destiny with your thoughts and your actions. Too often we forget the action. Society has tricked us into thinking that everything is at our fingertips when in reality everything is not. You have to work for what you want, sometimes even having a baby. Think about a popular Instagram model or your favorite YouTuber.What you see is a nice photo or a nicely edited video with content that keeps you entertained. What you didn’t see was the selection of the outfit, the application of the makeup, the restarting of the intro, the time taken to shoot the content, the mistakes, the do-overs, the time and money spent on the edits. Nothing just comes to you.
You get equally what you give. You must be willing to give equally to what you want.
Discipline over Motivation.
Every day will not be the same. You won’t feel motivated every day nor will you feel happy every day. But just how you can wake up early knowing you’re not a morning person, drive to work in traffic when you probably hate driving and would probably like to be chauffeured everywhere, to go to a job you probably don’t like, all because you have to. If you don’t the bills probably won’t get paid, you may be behind on payments, or worse you’d probably be homeless. We do what we have to because if we don’t there are consequences we are not prepared to face. Are you prepared to never experience what it is like to hold your own child or change your baby’s diaper? If you are prepared to live with this, the choice is entirely yours. But if you’re not, continue reading.
It’s in your control
Infertility is real, it exists. There are women that find it hard to conceive. It’s no use lying to yourself saying “In God’s time.” From the first time you ovulated, this was God’s time. God gave you everything you needed to conceive and carry a child. You not being able to because of health issues that were not designed by God, but simply because of lack of knowledge and in some cases things beyond our control.
We often fret over things like this because we feel like we have no control. We feel like we have to take drastic measures when this is not always the case. Sometimes the smallest steps have the biggest impact. The most common causes of female infertility are fibroids, PCOS and Endometriosis. All are caused by hormonal imbalance, stemming mostly from the foods we consume. Knowing this, just how you can wake up early, ride in traffic and sit on a job for 8 hours that you probably don’t like all because you want to get paid by the end of the week or month, you can say to yourself I’ll have a smoothie instead of soda, I’ll drink water instead of juice, I’ll exercises today. You can make these decisions. What you can’t do is refuse to make sacrifices and expect something in return.
It’s no use looking at another woman and saying well she doesn’t have to go through this, she can eat all of the fast-food that she wants and still get pregnant. I’ve learned throughout my journey of self-discovery, “leave people business alone”. Because you may not want what they have. The saying “when you think you have a bad, someone has it worse” is no joke. You may look at a woman and judge her eating unhealthy and still having kids, but she may not live to see the best moment of her kid’s life. Going off to college or perhaps getting married.
I had an aunt that died of cancer 2 years ago. Her son and his wife built their first home together and she never got to see it. Nor will she ever meet her future grandkids.
Work Over Excuses
Faith without works is dead. Faith alone will not get you what you want, you must apply yourself. Having faith the job will pay you won’t get you paid unless you show up for work. If changing your diet to a healthier one is necessary, then commit yourself to a healthy diet, if regular exercising is necessary, commit yourself to exercise regularly. Eating healthy is too expensive is an excuse, I’ll do it tomorrow is the first step backward.
Be Prepared: The mind will talk you out of making these changes out of habit. Your job is to ignore the I’ll do it tomorrow, or I’ll start after the tin of ice cream is gone. Start now. For you may not have tomorrow. Or that ice cream will shoot your estrogen levels so high you may damage your ovaries for good. When you’re given a second chance in life, you take it.
What Are You Willing To Do For Your Future Baby?